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Key events
And what does that say about it being better to be a happy general than a good one? It’s fair to say that England have had some favorable tournament draws under Gareth Southgate and this one might be the best of them all. Check yours official group for Euro 2024 and you’ll notice the top half of the draw is loaded: Spain v Germany and Portugal v France would be the two quarter-finals if this were to form. England have avoided all that, their only known lower enemies being just a bunch of ski nations: Austria, Switzerland and Italy. Belgium and Holland look set to join them, but two past lowland bests shouldn’t strike fear into England either. It’s on!
The positive image of England is not too far-fetched. This is tournament football. Grinding the results at this stage is really not bad. Portugal drew in all three group matches when they won Euro 2016 silverware and their only regular-time win throughout the tournament was a 2-0 success against Wales in the semi-finals. It’s not pretty; let me paraphrase: it’s as boring as dishwater. But… England conceded just one goal and won the group. Let’s stare in him for a while to soak in that meat and two vegetable points and a goal difference.
Gareth Southgate’s diplomacy was strained last night, opting to go with the England fans, creating an “unusual environment” after several threw plastic beer cups at him as he went to cheer after the 0-0 draw. Rather fittingly, none hit the mark.
I understand the narrative to me. This is better for the team than for him, but it creates an unusual working environment. I haven’t seen another team qualify and get like that.
What did the England fans make of it in Cologne last night? Microphone in hand, our roving reporter Paul McInnes walked into their midst.
A gut-wrenching assessment of Conor Gallagher’s 45-minute performance last night, courtesy of Barney Roney. It’s hard to disagree.
Gallagher produces one of the sharpest, weirdest, edgiest performances you’re likely to see at this level. It took him 10 minutes 48 seconds to touch the ball. Here is a list of the things he did before he touched the ball. He fouled someone. He fell. He stood in a strange non-position. By the end of his 45 minutes, he had one clearance, two fouls, 13 passes, all short and generally just a nervous tic that pushed the ball away. Gallagher is a muscular runner. But he is a man for whom football happens.
At least England provides plenty of opportunities to riff on prog rock/jazz names. Adding to the “Trent Alexander Experiment” we now have the “Harry Kane Paradox”. Catch them on Jools Holland soon.
Of course, he’s too good a passer to just leave him on top and feeding on scraps like cockney Haaland. He is too good a poacher to play as a pure number 10. But he is not astute enough to play both roles in the same phase of the game at the moment.
How about some England player ratings? Those from Jacob Steinberg, who awards four 7s – two are given to reserves. You can probably guess who got a 4. #failedexperiment
Let’s start with the basics. Here is a report from the match by David Hyttner from Cologne.
Southgate’s side settled down and Mainoo’s composure was part of that.
Preamble
Great news. England topped their group on Euro 2024. This is more than France can do. And the hosts, Germany, surpassed theirs only thanks to a goal in added time.
Yet such basic analysis simply won’t do, as teeth continue to be gnashed about England’s latest lackluster performance: 0:0 draw with Slovenia.
We’ll have all the reaction from Cologne, where there was real joy and celebration, although it came from Slovenia, whose third straight draw was enough to see them through to the last 16.
They are also Austria bona fide dark horses?
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